Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage

1. Marriages in Japan

In ｍｙ Country Japan， we have had a tradition of the arranged marriage，which is very Japanese. It is neither unusual nor embarrassing that a couple tell their acquaintances and friends, even not intimate friends, that they have had arranged marriage. The arranged marriage is called “miai” in Japanese language, whose direct meaning is “looking to each other.” Of course, most Japanese young people get married for love, which may be a standard in the West World. Hence, we can say there are two kinds of marriages in Japan.

In Japan, somehow marriage are often emphasized and talked about among young men and　women so that marriage itself is a big concern to them, whereas the marriage in the United States seems to be just the result of love.(The divorce may be the result of the break of love in the same way.)

Anyway, this traditional notion of marriage still now lets the arranged marriage remain in Japanese society, even though the arranged marriage is regarded as something from the Meiji-era. So, it is interesting but strange to me that the “miai” system still has a strong following even long after the postwar democratization.

2． Arranged Marriage and Go-between

While the love marriage is just a marriage for love, the arrange marriage doesn’t start with love. A man and woman are introduced to each other by a so- called match-maker or go-between. A go-between or match-maker selects a pair of prospective and appropriate bride and groom, and discribes about then usually to their parents first and then each of the parents ask their son/daughter. Soon a meeting between the man and woman is arrangeｄ at a place such as a restaurant or a hotel, sometimes at the house of the go-between. This is the “miai”(looking at each other). At the most formal “miai” the parents of both sides also participate so that in total seven persons are looking at each other over at the “miai” ceremony.

At the table, they talk to each other over dinner about their personal interests and the kind of families they want, but they never discuss political issues nor economical problems in the world. At the “miai,” the conversation between any combination of attendants is possible: the man and the women, the man’s mother and the woman, the fathers of both sides, and the go-between and the father of the man, etc. It sounds funny that the man and the women discuss how many children they should have after their marriage on the day when they met for the first time. But, it might be a key point to make their decision whether to choose the other or not.

The mother of the young man sometimes looks at the woman more carefully and seriously than the man himself does, especially when the couple is supposed to live together with the man’s family. The miai meeting is thus the most important step: maybe its climax during the process of the arranged marriage.

Who can be a go-between? Anyone can become one as far as she/he wants to be. Normally, a go-between is an aunt, an old woman in the neighborhood, a superior in the company or a mother herself. Serious mothers are really eager to find the good groom/bride for their daughters/sons especially when their daughters/sons are beyond the marriageable age. These mothers act as if they were looking for an appropriate car for their daughters/sons.

“The marriageable age” is really an interesting word, symbolizing the tradition of marriage in Japan. I know this makes little sense to the Westerners. Through our Japanese minds and understanding the marriageable age, roughly speaking, ever indicates 24〜30 years old for women and men.

Now, this is an old idea to aged people

Some women who specialize (but not professional) as match-makers and are proud of doing so, are always keeping the photos and the brief resume of the several men/women candidates at the marriageable age, or oftin over that age. These semi-professional women sometimes exchange the hot information about unmarried and prospective women and men they are keeping. If a go-between finds a good pair (a suitable match), she really gets excited and can’t stay home.

3. Marriage or Next Chance ?….. Making the final decision.

Both men and woman who have just been introduced need to answer soon to their go-between.It is a key point and an unspoken rule of the arranged marriage. If either of them doesn’t like the other, he/she should reply “NO” as soon as possible, say the next morning, preferably with some good reasons, because it would be impolite if the one who doesn’t like the other answers so after the other side says yes.

Even if both of them say “OK,” this doesn’t necessarily mean they have decided to marry soon. Then, they are supposed to have a direct contact with each other (normally by the telephone from the man to the woman) and to make an appointment for relationship of a boyfriend and a girlfriend more than half a year without being engaged. A hasty go-between may often telephone to ask whether or not they have made a final decision for the marriage. It is also true that both the introduced man and woman are not forced to marry and they actually feel free. The important thing to them is that they someday have to make a definite answer to the go-between: it’s either yes or no.

It is just like refundable merchandise offered by Target or the department stores in Boulder. And, when you return it to Target, you should have been keeping it undamaged and may be requested to describe the reason for the return. Only what you need to do is just to make your own decision; you want to purchase or return it within the fixed days.

In spite of having the several dates in a couple of months, the arranged man and woman may break off. At that time, they have to tell their go-between immediately, because the next candidates may be waiting for each of them.

The arranged marriage thus needs a complicated and elaborate process, but is really interesting and exciting. And, this process is serious to the man and woman themselves and may be worthwhile to the go-between. Unfortunately, my case was a love marriage, so I don’t have the direct experience of the exciting arranged marriage.

4.Comparisons of Two Marriage ……Merits and Demerits

Although the arranged marriage seems to old-fashioned, some young men and woman still want someone arrange a good partner. According to a survey conducted by a certain company, 20% of newlyweds are married by an arrangement and the 80% are love marriages, and these rates have been unchanged for several years. This implies that the arranged marriage has some advantages and has settled down in Japanese society.

One major merit of the arranged marriage is that you can choose a groom or bride among many candidates, while one may fail to find a prospective partner if he/she doesn’t ask someone to arrange the marriage. Especially when young men are very busy in their work have few opportunities, or are so shｙ, the arranged marriage is really convenient and helpful to them. Furthermore, many go-betweens insist that they are too young to make sure of the future and permanent partner.

Although it may be interesting to discuss the two marriages in terms of the divorce rate, I don’t know the statistical discovery of this issue. But you can’t easily conclude that the divorce rate of the arranged marriage is lower than that of love marriage. I suppose that the divorce rates for these two marriages are almost the same.

Love marriage is really free in comparison to an arranged marriage. Basically you can get married and get divorced by your own decisions. In contrast, when your marry are arranged by someone, you are obliged to inform your go-between who introduced to you of your decision such as marriage or divorce. In other words, the go-between is expected to still continue to act as an intermediary, for instance when the couple divorces or other future crises arise.

　

This may be an advantage and disadvantage in contrast to the love marriage. To be continued to be conclusive.